The Timid Nature of Age

Billie, my dog who changed my life, was a loving pup when she was young. As she got older, she started to get more and more timid, getting scared of noises, flashing lights, even some people.

I never understood why. Was it just age? A realization that all the things she used to do in terms of speed, strength and command were slowly losing their edge? Her knees creaked just a bit more. Her eyesight wasn’t as perfect. She was no longer quite as alpha.

Today, I noticed the same thing with my cat Winston. He has always been a bad-ass, walking across the street slowly, tail swishing daring the car speeding towards me to speed up just a bit more. A sharp quick meow towards me as he continued to walk into the house demanding to be fed.

There wasn’t an animal in or outside my house that would fuck with Winston. He never fought. He just suggested what would happen.

But today, as thunderstorms raged outside he got scared. He used to laugh at the thunder. Demand it to leave.

And most of the time, they did.

He ran under the house. He avoided Taylor and the other cats. Not a swagger to be seen.

I watched Winston run and thought to myself, am I timid? Have I lost my edge? I get the shit kicked out of me by kids in video games, something I vowed to never let happen. My knees creak. I get tired earlier. I am happiest doing nothing.

But, goddamn it, I am a builder. An entrepreneur. I have helped create things that millions of people used. And watched millions of dollars invested in those things. I stood large and battled over the smallest things. I demanded equality and acceptance. I looked at a gun in my face and told the person to go fuck themselves as they smashed my face with a crowbar. (It was college! Isn’t that the excuse for everything?)

But lately, I find myself being ok with, well, being ok. I see problems in the world that bring me to tears. I see opportunities to make a difference.

I see, but I don’t do.

I wonder if that’s age. It’s certainly not wife and kids. I could die tomorrow, and other than the pieces of me in other people’s projects and perceptions, I would leave nary a mark. That’s cool, btw. The ultimate carbon offset.

Almost every week in therapy, I ask the question “Am I done?” Have I achieved all that I can achieve that has impact, or is there something left in the tank?

At Amazon, I focus on building products that are designed to help startups. At Amazon scale, I can literally help thousands upon thousands (maybe more!) achieve their dreams and watch the world change because of it.

Which is cool. I guess.

Here is what is interesting. It is not age. Research shows that the brain improves in middle age.

Contrary to its reputation as a slower, duller version of a youthful brain, it seems that the middle-aged mind not only maintains many of the abilities of youth but actually acquires some new ones.

If it’s not physical, what is it? What makes me happier being protected than out in the world in all my glory?

• Money? Never mattered.

• Livestyle? I can not care less.

• Legacy? A mediocre founder who knows a few people? Yeah, that ain’t it.

• Knowledge? I still do bad things that I know are bad. Nope.

• Fear of failure? Imposter syndrome? Dunno.

I really don’t have an answer here. Wish I did. Perhaps the answer is just to go break some eggs again.

But, let me binge Vampire Diaries first.