On Suicide

It seems to me that one ought to rejoice in the fact of death — ought to decide, indeed, to earn one’s death by confronting with passion the conundrum of life. One is responsible for life: It is the small beacon in that terrifying darkness from which we come and to which we shall return. One must negotiate this passage as nobly as possible, for the sake of those who are coming after us”

 — James Baldwin

I have a strange relationship with suicide.

Most days, I spend at least part of the day debating in my head if suicide is an option.

Ok. That’s a brutal statement.

Let me be a bit more exact. Every day, I find myself on the topic of suicide. I spend time with the thought every time it comes up to check myself against it’s reality. I am not contemplating suicide in these moments, more I am understanding why it’s not a good decision.

Still pretty brutal.

There is no easy way to talk about suicide. I can write the word a thousand times and I still get stuck in the middle of it. I-C-I. I see I.

When I sat down to write this, I had no idea where it would go. I do that sometimes. Start with a topic, maybe just a word and start writing. At some point a thesis seems to appear which leads me down a path, but as of right now, I see I.

I started thinking about suicide around the age of 10. I still think about it daily, which means I have — seriously — thought about suicide more than 12,750 times, and I still haven’t found a reason that it’s the better solution.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. — James Baldwin

That is the quote I live my life by. Nothing can be changed until it’s faced. For many people (guessing), the thought of suicide comes around in the moments of deepest despair. It is the only choice, because all other choices pale in comparison. We realize that to end the pain is impossible without providing the ending.

I am glad that I don’t think of suicide in my most desperate moments. Perhaps I have spent so much time thinking about it, that at a time when many are seeing it as an option, I have already intellectualized all the reasons why it’s a poor choice.

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain. — James Baldwin

When the thought arises, I always counter it with “Will the world be a better place without me in it?” I follow it up by listing friends and family and asking myself “Are they benefited by me not being around?” I look at my dog and cats and worry about who will care for them. I look at my list of Things I’d Like To Do and see if there are things I am still passionate about.

But mostly, I know that the pain I would relieve in me would be visited on those I care about 10x. I have always rathered carry pain than cause it.

Ok, I am like 10,000 words into this, and I still have no idea where it is going…

Depression is real. It gets heightened when you are a founder, and those feelings don’t end at the founder’s skin. Often they are transferred across the organization in disorganization, inability to have discussions that don’t include “I” or yelling, unfair expectations, etc. We cannot hide our feelings or the effects of those feelings on others. We tell each other that it’s short-lived and that the repression of beauty and sense of self is the toll we are paying to one day leave a legacy.

“Perhaps the whole root of our trouble, the human trouble, is that we will sacrifice all the beauty of our lives, will imprison ourselves in totems, taboos, crosses, blood sacrifices, steeples, mosques, races, armies, flags, nations, in order to deny the fact of death, which is the only fact we have.” — James Baldwin

What’s the best thing we can do as founders? Give ourselves a break and seek out knowledge and help. But, you know that.

The last thought I always have as I conclude my exploration of suicide is the question “Are you worth it?” Suicide has so much collateral damage. It causes issues from financial to emotional. It is probably one of the most selfish acts someone can perform, as it is purely and completely egocentric.

These explorations are important to me. They help me level set my brain daily, and remind me that I am at my best when I am learning from the best. I need education and knowledge to continually add value to a profession I am so conflicted about.

The paradox of education is precisely this — that as one begins to become conscious one begins to examine the society in which he is being educated. — James Baldwin

There is so much good to be done. So many ways the world can be improved. Suicide would take me out of a game that I have played my entire life and know that I still haven’t brought my A game.

But I still think about it every day as a check on me, my ego and id.

I wish for those that are thinking about suicide deeply, especially in moments that carry no apparent alternatives, that I had a pithy quote to help you make the right decision. I don’t. What I can offer is this. I have asked myself 12,775 times if suicide was a better option than death, and 12,775 times the answer was no.

100% of the time. The answer is no.

Life, while brutal, is the strength of the unknown that reveals itself to us over time. Death, while final, is weakness of the unknown that is unknowable.

When given the option, always chose your strength over your weakness.

Perhaps everybody has a garden of Eden, I don’t know; but they have scarcely seen their garden before they see the flaming sword. Then, perhaps, life only offers the choice of remembering the garden or forgetting it. Either, or: it takes strength to remember, it takes another kind of strength to forget, it takes a hero to do both. People who remember court madness through pain, the pain of the perpetually recurring death of their innocence; people who forget court another kind of madness, the madness of the denial of pain and the hatred of innocence; and the world is mostly divided between madmen who remember and madmen who forget. Heroes are rare. — James Baldwin